I had kinda made a promise to myself that this would stay a knitting only blog, but I am devistated by today's events, so I am cross posting what is in my regular blog. Skip this now if you only want to read about knitting:
Ya know, I have noticed that I only seem to blog when something pisses me off, or I have a bad day. I tried so hard with my last blog entry to be positive...yeah, I am a complete loser that has to spend Thanksgiving on her own, but I was trying to be positive, I thought I did a good job.
WELL FUCK THAT...I just got laid off today...isn't that wonderful?! I know I am so thrilled I could throw up...and I nearly did in my car on the way home. I have tried twice to just curl up in bed and sleep it off for just a few hours of oblivion...no my mind is racing...what the fuck am I going to do?
I moved all the way out to California to get laid off after a year? Why the FUCK am I an archaeologist? I swear to God (who I am not sure even exists) I am the BIGGEST waste of human skin EVER to walk the earth. I SERVE NO PURPOSE other than to drain my mother's bank account everytime I am out of a job.
You want brutal, and total reality?! If it were not for my mother and what it would do to her, I would end this. I really do not know of any thing keeping me here. I know I have questioned the existance of God and the afterlife...I don't care anymore...I just want to be done and if that means no more existance, well all the better...I absolutely, positively can NOT live like this anymore. I benefit NO ONE...I am just a burden on my love ones. When I do have a job, what am I really doing....in the grand scheme of things. None of it matters.
I am so tired of the pain, I am so tired of the stress, I am so tired of the effort that it takes to live what passes for my life.
NOw I have to decide do I even want to stay in archaeology? If I wanted to start a new career, I will have to go to school...more bills I can't afford. Do I want to stay in California? My mom flat out told me she would pay to move me back to Georgia. I just don't know. I have really enjoyed my personal life out here in San Diego. I'll never get a job here in my field though, so I will have to move somewhere if I stay in archaeology. I can't even fathom moving, AGAIN no matter where it is.
I absolutey can not deal with what is going on in my life, YET AGAIN I can not deal with this. I hate this crazy ass uncertianty, I hate taking money from my mom, AGAIN. I hate the fact that my life is in turmoil, AGAIN
Why the FUCK can I not catch one break? Even if I do get another job in archaeology...at this point I am going to be so shell shocked from being laid off I'll probably give myself ulscers the whole time I am working there, living in fear of the next round of lay offs
All I have ever wanted to do is be an archaeologist...so now what do I do when archaeology obviously does not want me? I have totally wasted my life...wasted it. I spent years on an education and job that I am not meant to have. I am morbidly obese...I mean I have just given up on the weight thing. I wasted my chance at a good life in college when I was thinner and had such promise. How the hell did I get here? I just want a do-over, because I can not live the life my path is on right now.
loser loser loser LOSER loser loser loser loser L-O-S-E-R
6 comments:
You are not a LOSER. You are a wonderful, generous, human being who sadly worked for companies that can't keep themselves afloat. This is hard, so hard and in a way I can understand but you have worth and merit and I would miss you if you weren't here. I admit, you are due some good and I hope that the new year brings this for you.
Please call if you want to. I'm at my dad's tonight but you can call my cell and I can call you back from there!! LOVE!!! Lanaia
Life does suck sometimes. You are not a loser just someone who drew the short end of the stick. YOU will do something to make your life better. I was in the same boat you were a few years ago. I was an engineer who's life was going nowhere so I went back to school to get a new career. You can do anything you want to help yourself and you have friends that can also help. Please don't end it because you are a great person to talk to. (I sat next to you at the last Knitting meetup that I could attend)
Pam, you are a wonderful, caring, generous, valued person. Sorry to hear about your job. I'm sure things will get better whether in your field or in a different venue. Sending you a virtual hug from Minnesota. It may sound cliche, but tomorrow is another day.
Everyone has alrady said what I feel .. but you know what .. YOU ARE WORTH SOME... in fact a whole bunch of something. You touch SO many people's lives and they will never know it. You have a personality that sparkles and you make ME laugh - so do not even tell me that someone that I care about isn't worth it because you are!! What ever the company ... THEIR LOSE - you know we are a group that helps each other.. we will all be there and help you - you are NOT alone and more important we will hold you up when you can't stand anymore. You will get through this and when you do get to the other side you will realize how much better you are for what you went through ... BIG HUG!!
Hey, Pam! I am sorry for what you are going through right now. I had so much fun sitting with you this morning at our knitting meet up. I am always happy when you come. You are fun to be with and you add alot to our group. I hope all is well soon and yes, as GeorgeAnne said, we will be there for you. Hope to see you soon. I love, love the booties you made! :)
i was just arguing with my husband about how miserable I am and I came across your blog. It really puts a different perspective on it when it's someone else! You sound like you have a lot going for you - you are obviously intelligent and that puts you way above the average schmuck. You are also young (I am 60 and that sucks believe me!) You have some interesting hobbies too. Another important thing that stands out is that you say you have always wanted to do archeology - that is a wonderful gift - most people have no idea what they care about and if they do its something dumb -I believe that if there is something you have really cared about for a long time, that means A LOT and it is worth sacrificing for. You are free and can go anywhere in teh WORLD to pursue it - DO IT! You are lucky to have your mom help and she probably wants to help - i have the same situaion with my daughter. It seems like your weight issue is both a symptom and a barrier. Get help for that first even if it means medication but do it under medical care. If you have no job and no insurance in CA you may be able to find a clinic or somehting. Maybe that would give you the courage and the push to tackle the other issues. Dont give up! I got laid off a few years ago and it REALLY SUCKS! It made me lose my religion too! But you cant let it defeat you! Keep trying - good luck!
Post a Comment